Blinks || December 8th 2007

Christmas is here already! Where does time go? o.O

We're not putting up a Christmas tree this year. I don't think there's a point when after several years of not being able to buy presents for eacother that we should torment ourselves in that way. But we aren't without Christmas spirit. We listen to holiday songs on the radio(and sing along to them) and for the first time ever; put up Christmas lights on the house! OKay it's nothing really worth-seeing but it's nice to see the house look colourful for a change. Course it started to rain non-stop and we decided to not risk any house fires by turning the lights off. When the weather clears I'll take a piccie so you all can giggle at our hut of horror. ^.~

I think I lost my best friend and a few other online friends. I know that I haven't been a good friend at all. I can admit it! Not even there for anyone and may be perceived as a high maintenance kind of person..but I'm honestly not. I am not pushing anyone away this time. It's just that things get bad for us at home. They get bad real fast and furious. When that happens I can only focus on my family and trying to overcome the obstacles in our path. Maybe that's not the way to handle these kinds of things but that is how it is for us. We pull together and try hard to just hold on for the rough ride. When it's over we come out and socialize.

Then there's the thing I have with phones. I get freaked out with them. I can't answer the phone a great deal of the times it rings. Back when I was able to visit a counselor I was told this is because I fear rejection. If people somehow got to hear and know who I am then they might pass judgement. Afraid of that I put a fear on the actual process and save myself from picking up and facing that possibility of contact. Er.. well yeah that's how it is for this lady right now. Something I've been trying to get over for the past two years but it's slow going. I guess if people can't handle that kind of person that I am then it's better that they do distance themselves away from me. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I would never want that and hope that everyone is having a better time at this life than we are over here. And before you think it sweetie(because I can imagine you are wanting to strangle me right now lol); no Imouto-chan that does not include you. Sorry :P <3 <3 <3 :P

Oh and because I am always late with these things ----

Where I've been... || 15th-Nov-2007 02:00 am

I wanted to apologize to my closest friends.

Sorry. I haven't been about lately and it's primarily do to some intense money problems at home. Hasn't been until October 28th when we finally got electricity back. This wasn't so much a problem back when I use to work for a few hundred a month. Actually I worked "under" a woman as a pushover to help support my family. That stopped when I couldn't take the constant stress anymore. The blatant using, the lies, the manipulations and kissing ass. Even though I hated it I am thoroughly regretting stopping. Should have just took in a breather and continued. My family has been suffering quite a bit since I stopped. Our bills are over-due three months. Groceries can't be bought. We're living on buttered bread and filtered water. Not being dramatic. I can take pictures of our empty fridge to prove it. Well at least until the food bank will allow us to get some groceries for them. Should be about another two weeks. There are a ton of needy families besides us in Bakersfield. James' hours were cut back a long time ago. Not quite sure why but Target has been getting rather greedy with hours with him. I wish I could help him out again but I blew that when I left the job. Since then I've just been trying to live day to day with this immense amount of despair on my shoulders. Failure is not new to me but feeing helpless? I hate it. My poor younger brother used up all his financial aid money to keep us afloat. He's trying to get a job but since he has no experience.. well the hiring isn't so hot for new employees. Still he's taking out a loan to help so hopefully that'll come through for us. But it messed up his semester and we don't know what will happen because he couldn't pay for his courses and university fees.

We can only wait and see.

Then there's all the things with my father, my health, Crystal.. but I dont even want to go near that right now. It's just too much to type down at one sitting. I just wanted to let you know that I wish I could just give you all a big hug to say that I haven't stopped thinking about my dearest friends. Things are screwy, really messed up screwy... but I'm keeping strong and praying that it'll get better. Things have to right? I mean how much more do we have to endure? Sigh ok so I hope you all are doing better. That you are in good health and are having a blast. Please take care and don't forget about me. I certainly haven't forgotten you. <3

Family, Family Cont.3 || October 9th 2007

Well, we got back to talking again until yesterday night. My mother missed an off-ramp that led to pickup James from work. Instead of going further down the freeway to the next ramp to get off. She decided to swerve off the freeway, into the divider and slowly(very slowly) get onto the opposite side of the freeway. The cars that were oncoming saw headlights coming their way and began to swerve. She meanwhile was inching the car onto the fast lane at no more than 5mph! The other cars were bearing down at us doing 70-85mph. You can imagine my reaction when I saw headlights nearly ontop of our asses but somehow she managed to swerve the car to the right lane and get onto the next ramp. By this time I was screaming my head off at her recklessness. She started yelling back at me. We argued viciously up until we picked up James. Then the silence began all over again. I'm never getting into the car with that maniac driver again. Ever.

This morning I awoke up to strange voices. Apparently Crystal came back and with a baby! She has a boyfriend who is supporting her but get this -- he's ten years older than her. So he had sex with a minor and claims that he didn't know. Yeah right. What a sick bastard. Anyways, they were at the house to throw away a bunch of junk. James went out to ask them to not throw away anything of ours because we have our stuff in boxes still from when we moved into the house from our first apartment like six years ago. My mom threw a fit and started screaming at James that he shouldn't tell her what to do. He of course put down his foot. She didn't like it one bit and turned to Crystal and Co. telling them to ignore us. We're nothing in her eyes. So we've apparently been replaced. It's not a surprise. My mom is actually very selfish and treats us like trash when we have no money to give to her. Nevermind that all of our money is paid to bills that she can't handle and that needs to be paid like electricity, water, trash, phone, car, and insurance. James gets paid $400.00 every two weeks. The bills are more than $1200 and we only get about eighty dollars for groceries and cat food. Think about it. There's nothing left and we are always short. All we ask for is a little peace and respect.

I really regret being manipulated into living back with her. I should never have agreed to come back. Never.

Family, Family Cont. || September 12th 2007

Latest news about my mother: We haven't spoken to each other and she's suddenly spending money I know she doesn't have. But I can't confront her about it because everytime she sees me -- SLAM! Door in the face or turn the back. Really, I'm suppose to be the daughter here not the mother. Gah! Personally though its been less stressful for me not dealing with her at all. <(^_^<)

Family, Family || September 6th 2007

Ugh my family.

Yesterday, Mom and I went to pickup James from work. Welps, on the way home she decided to cut off a car for the helluva it. I felt that it was uncalled for and irresponsible. So I told her what I thought and said that if she was going to drive like that might as well put 'me' behind the wheel.

That fired her off. She started yelling at me and comparing me to my father. Again. Said to me, "Whatever Mr. Raul Espinoza Garcia. You're always perfect!"

And that always hurts me a great deal. I don't like being told that I'm the one person that dealt hell to my entire family for no reason. It's always like that too when we argue. She tells me off by saying I am either my father or my older sister Eliana. Honestly a person gets sick of that for many years. She's always tried to manipulate me that way and I finally told her off by firing back "If that makes you feel better by saying that then whatever. But go back to your counselor and tell them how you have a knack for trying to abuse me by saying those kinds of things!"

Then she said "OH so now you're going to comeback with that crap!"

And I said "Yeah, you give me crap so Ill gladly give it back. I'm sick and tired of being abused by you. Its like I'm living with my father all over again minus the beatings."

So she rolled her eyes and said, "Fine whatever you say. You're always right and have reason."

That in itself was another manipulation. James by this time told her to back off. He wouldn't have her hurting me that way. She pretyt much said nothing in response but I could "feel" the anger coming from her. Its sad when my own mother doesn't realize that she's always been very hurtful to both James and myself.

Then there is the situation with one of my cats taking another cat under her wing as if it was a kitten. I dunno. Its a mother kitty thing I guess since she was recently fixed while in heat season. Welps this cat, Breeza, took a den in the living room. Pretty much she is fiercely protective of her den. Only thing is that everytime a male cat strolls in to munch at food Breeza literally goes on a warpath. Fur flies and my mother storms in screaming and yelling at Breeza. Now its not normal screaming and yelling. My mom is mental. Literally. She has a tendency to attempt to beat my cats when they get into a fight(and fight I mean hissing and light pawing)when I'm not looking. This of course pisses me off to no end since I'm trying to save them from experiencing that outside the home.

We only have 3 cats inside now. There are 4 outside that occasionally waltz inside for munchies but then they leave for the rest of the week. I use to have over 20+ cats because I took so many inside but slowly started adopting them out to good homes. I thought it would help things but it hasn't one bit. Anyways I caught her actually threatening to kill Breeza and well honestly she's capable. Then it didn't help that Omar was chiming in "Yeah kill it!" Disgusted at them both I told them they were "Fucking pyschos" to which I got an earful. I took Breeza and her 'baby(its really an adult lol) cat' inside my room and shut my ears to their bitching.

Sigh, so yeah and that's with just my mom. I'm not even going to acknowledge the rest of my pyschofamily right now. The only good thing that will come of all this is that on Saturday, Omar and Mom are going to the LA zoo. I guess its for a college project that he has and they are paying for two minus transportation and eating stuffs. So that will give us a full day of rest from them both. I think its the first time in five years since James and I have been alone together since coming to live (again) at home with her and Omar. I wish we could be alone together at our own home. -_-